The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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