i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
