my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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