6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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