Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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