there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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