so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
