After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
