The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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