So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
