If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
