my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
