Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
