I'm so fucking centered right now
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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