She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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