sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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