Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
