Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
