probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize