Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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