my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
