dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
