this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
