If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
