I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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