Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drunk walkin through police station. America
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
