I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
