I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
