I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
