I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
foreskin is a definite game changer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
