The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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