Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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