i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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