you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
