there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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