i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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