You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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