I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
