So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
