No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
