Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
