i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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