apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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