I just saw a hot homeless man
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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