The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
