Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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