Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
