if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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