So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
