I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
