And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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