Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
