Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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