i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
